Is my Eating Disorder specialist gonna kick my ass

Today's the day that i dread so much at the minuet

I don't want to go and see my  Eating Disorder specialist by the way i call her that as i don't know what other title to give her

In my last post i told you guys that i have to keep track of everything i eat times etc i forgot to mention i also have to keep track of my exercise routine

Any way to cut a long story short i have spiraled out of control since probably Thursday of last week and today is now Wednesday . I could actually see my mood changing from the Tuesday but i kept it together until Thursday and then all hell broke loose


I haven't Tracked or wrote down anything iv eaten from Sunday which i now have to do and try and fill in 3 days of eating which i actually want to forget about.. keeping track is so much easier when everything is balanced and I'm eating well .. i don't really want to note down all my slips and slides.. My ED specialist goes through my diary with a fine tooth comb, i feel like a naughty child at school being told off. And don't get me wrong this lady is lovely the fact that I'm such a perfectionist makes my downfalls harder to share

To be honest i don't want to do any more CBT treatment and that exactly how i feel in this moment and iv been feeling like that for the past 2 or 3 days . The thought of going gives me a sick tummy, and anxiety and these are feelings i could be doing with out Ill either come away from today's appointment hating it or it will give me the inspiration t start a new week fresh

Just to let you guys know its not all roses when ever treatment starts my mood can bowl me over and that's what it has done today iv lost all heart in my treatment and i 100% feel my time would be better spent going for another run

Please don't judge i know going to treatment is the right and proper thing to do but there is no point blogging when every thing is all rosy and light Bulimia Comes with really crappy days too

Any way wish me luck hopefully ill return home with a renewed sense of fight and strength for the week ahead .. ill defiantly return with a splitting headache lol its an intense hour and hopefully my ED specialist wont have to kick my ass for the crappy food and exercise diary i have kept ... Fingers crossed i can remember back as far as Sunday and what i ate other wise i might have to wing it lol gotta keep the humour :)

Ill leave you guys with one of my favourite quotes ever

Lee x 

My bulimia is not going to win !

Every day I'm running the roads trying to win the war against this nasty biatch bulimia nervosa 

I actually thought it would be easier to keep you updated on my journey through my treatment but I was wrong 

Since posting my video on YouTube about my eating disorder iv had the craziest roller coaster of my life iv hit the lowest lows and there were days I didn't know how I was going to get through them 

To give you an idea of what's going on at the min my doctor doubled my medication about 5 weeks ago and to be honest it seems to have helped.

Iv now been with the eating disorder team for 4 weeks, having assessments done and I'm now having treatment called CBT  Cognitive behavioral therapy
Iv two weeks of this completed and the jury is out for the minuet on this I'll keep you posted when I figure out more 

Here is what I have to do every day

I record everything for one meal or snack I have to include the time of day, the place where I ate, was it planned or unplanned , was it a binge, did I vomit or use laxatives and the circumstances and emotions that were going on at the time 

This is an amazing guide for me I can see when I'm eating what I'm eating and I can also see the times when I am sick after eating and the emotions and situation that went with it 

 My plan is to do a 5 mile run this morning I'm just eating my banana at the minute in preparation but here are my eating rules that I have to live by and I just wish to god someone could have told me sooner 

I have a 3 3 3 rule !

Eating disorder plan sheet

I have to eat 6 times a day this includes 3 meals that must contain a carbohydrate  and a protien, 3 snacks, and I have to eat with in a 3 hour period, so I can't go any longer than 3 hours with out eating 

These rules have taken some of the craziness away from my eating and added a lot of structure and removed a lot of the guilt around food and eating, yesterday is an example of a bad day for me I kept nothing in my stomach yesterday and I had a lot of food ( that's another blog post ) but yesterday is gone I need to start my day with my run and have a balanced structured day and get back on track 

I do have really bad bad days, the bad days are a nightmare and the good days can be amazing I've had a lot of the happiest days of my life over the past 3 weeks and I'm loving life my family and my kids , they are my world and I need to keep strong for them the love I have for them is indescribable my heart could burst with happiness I love them that much .

If any of you are having a tough time take comfort in the fact that you are an individual and you are amazing and I really believe a lot of our struggles in life stem from not knowing who we are and wanting validation on who we are, but you know what screw it we are who we are  and go out and ! live your best life ! and be happy :)

have an amazing weekend 

Leanne x