I need To Kick some Ass and Pick my self up

I'm just gonna write, Its First thing Saturday morning so i hope this makes sense

This morning is a morning that I'm trying to pull my self together and let the week that has passed, well I'm trying to just let it go, i have my running shoes on and i need to go out the door very soon or those little voices creep in... you know the ones... the ones that are telling us that its to cold to run or a shower would be much nicer than a run, but i choose to defy these thoughts and keep going and keep running

 Here is one of my Favourite videos for when those little voices kick in

Iv gotten a new perspective on life this morning, after one of the most emotional weeks of my life with a seriously rough eating disorder appointment!
The doctor basically told me yesterday that i cant be cured from bulimia that the goal is to manage it, ( While i tend not to take doctors views as gospel, i like to question everything if it doesn't make sense to me ) that was like a breath of fresh air because for many many years that's what iv been doing iv been managing Bulimia and i can look back over the years and see the extremes it has taken on my life, everything from extreme dieting to a crazy weight gains, compulsive exercising and self sabotage in business

My appointment with my so called eating disorder specialist, now i don't say "so called" to be horrible or mean,  its not her fault she doesn't know how to deal with me she just doesn't seem to have the experience or skills needed to deal with the complex issues of bulimia and to be honest I'm a tricky one to master lol

As you may know from my last post i had a bad week and i didn't fill in 3 days of my eating plan,  i actually didn't try and wing it i just left it blank I don't know if that went down to well at my appointment but it was the best I could do at the time

So things started of pretty intense in my eating disorder appointment i explained to Pam ( that's not her name but for the sake of this post i will call her Pam :) ) that in this very moment I'm having the exact emotions that i have when I binge on food and then that's followed by being sick.  I asked her how do i in this exact moment break that urge and that feeling that is so strong it bowls me over time and time again how do I stop this in this minuet in time?

The reply i got was shocking to me !! The reply i got was SILENCE!! Pam couldn't give me an answer!
At that moment my alarm bells started to go off and slowly i started to question Pam's experience with bulimia. Pam then became some what... Hmmm.. i don't want to say defensive but she was defiantly on a different footing with me I could feel the energy change in the room

We went through my diary with a fine tooth comb and  Pam actually  questioned  why i ate my banana at nine last Saturday morning when i usually eat them around 7 ..ehhh that's because my parents are so good that my kids stay with them on a Friday night and i get a wee lie in on a Saturday - which we all need from time to time...!! :)  What was really upsetting is that the more serious issues of my emotional state was not being addressed and for any new form of treatment is not acceptable.

After nit picking through my food diary Pam said to me " I'M NOT A COUNCIL FOR A DIET " now i had already been really emotional through my appointment and i kinda looked at her saying what ?? she said " I DON'T COUNCIL DIETS " and although i cant remember the exact words after this because i was crying and i was an emotional wreak she said something along the lines that she couldn't work with me while i was looking at numbers and counting calories.
                                  !!! IS SHE FREAKING KIDDING ME !!!
WHAT DOES SHE THINK AN EATING DISORDER IS A FREAKING DIET !!??

 So when i told the doctor yesterday what had taken place he said "well that's part of the illness counting calories fears of weight gain and looking at the numbers on the scale" - at least he understands

There was so much more that took place in that appointment which left me wanting to run for the hills and to be totally honest i don't know if I'm going back for another appointment:( Pam actually said during my appointment " well that's hardly a binge " when she was going through my food diary, and to think i thought i was in a safe place, if 5 chocolate bars 4 after eights wafer biscuits and a packet of crisps isn't a binge, although it may have been on the smaller side, i felt like i was being judged and some what attacked .. To tell any one with an eating disorder its hardly a binge is not a very smart thing to do, when actually she had read my diary wrong , i feel she needs to guard her words more carefully !!! I think I may have put her on the back foot by questioning her about  how I should deal with this emotion in that  moment ..
I was looking for tools to take away and work with but Pam couldn't give me them

 So to give you an update my Medication was raised again yesterday i am now on the recommended dosage for Bulimia 60mg of fluoxetine, so who knows, it will def help take the edge off

I have never given up control on my life before like that and left it in the hands of specialists

SO I decided to take my life back into my own hands and not to leave it in the hands of people that don't really know or understand my condition .
 We have been looking into other options and treatments both in Ireland and in England and its looking promising

I would advise every one to take control of their life and not leave it fully in the hands of others at the end of the day we always know whats best for us and nobody will care more about what happens to us than we care our selves

so make good choices today enjoy what you have, enjoy your family, your dog or anything that you hold precious to you. But take control! l i was defiantly open to going through the treatment that i had dreaded for years and to be honest it has been shockingly bad.

 I'm glad iv kept an open mind the medication defiantly helps but isn't the answer, the treatment that is being offer by the NHS is a joke iv actually been feeling worse for it!!!   Its now time to take my life back  and I'm looking forward to the day ahead we have planned with our kids

Live your Best life

lots of love

Leanne

Is my Eating Disorder specialist gonna kick my ass

Today's the day that i dread so much at the minuet

I don't want to go and see my  Eating Disorder specialist by the way i call her that as i don't know what other title to give her

In my last post i told you guys that i have to keep track of everything i eat times etc i forgot to mention i also have to keep track of my exercise routine

Any way to cut a long story short i have spiraled out of control since probably Thursday of last week and today is now Wednesday . I could actually see my mood changing from the Tuesday but i kept it together until Thursday and then all hell broke loose


I haven't Tracked or wrote down anything iv eaten from Sunday which i now have to do and try and fill in 3 days of eating which i actually want to forget about.. keeping track is so much easier when everything is balanced and I'm eating well .. i don't really want to note down all my slips and slides.. My ED specialist goes through my diary with a fine tooth comb, i feel like a naughty child at school being told off. And don't get me wrong this lady is lovely the fact that I'm such a perfectionist makes my downfalls harder to share

To be honest i don't want to do any more CBT treatment and that exactly how i feel in this moment and iv been feeling like that for the past 2 or 3 days . The thought of going gives me a sick tummy, and anxiety and these are feelings i could be doing with out Ill either come away from today's appointment hating it or it will give me the inspiration t start a new week fresh

Just to let you guys know its not all roses when ever treatment starts my mood can bowl me over and that's what it has done today iv lost all heart in my treatment and i 100% feel my time would be better spent going for another run

Please don't judge i know going to treatment is the right and proper thing to do but there is no point blogging when every thing is all rosy and light Bulimia Comes with really crappy days too

Any way wish me luck hopefully ill return home with a renewed sense of fight and strength for the week ahead .. ill defiantly return with a splitting headache lol its an intense hour and hopefully my ED specialist wont have to kick my ass for the crappy food and exercise diary i have kept ... Fingers crossed i can remember back as far as Sunday and what i ate other wise i might have to wing it lol gotta keep the humour :)

Ill leave you guys with one of my favourite quotes ever

Lee x 

My bulimia is not going to win !

Every day I'm running the roads trying to win the war against this nasty biatch bulimia nervosa 

I actually thought it would be easier to keep you updated on my journey through my treatment but I was wrong 

Since posting my video on YouTube about my eating disorder iv had the craziest roller coaster of my life iv hit the lowest lows and there were days I didn't know how I was going to get through them 

To give you an idea of what's going on at the min my doctor doubled my medication about 5 weeks ago and to be honest it seems to have helped.

Iv now been with the eating disorder team for 4 weeks, having assessments done and I'm now having treatment called CBT  Cognitive behavioral therapy
Iv two weeks of this completed and the jury is out for the minuet on this I'll keep you posted when I figure out more 

Here is what I have to do every day

I record everything for one meal or snack I have to include the time of day, the place where I ate, was it planned or unplanned , was it a binge, did I vomit or use laxatives and the circumstances and emotions that were going on at the time 

This is an amazing guide for me I can see when I'm eating what I'm eating and I can also see the times when I am sick after eating and the emotions and situation that went with it 

 My plan is to do a 5 mile run this morning I'm just eating my banana at the minute in preparation but here are my eating rules that I have to live by and I just wish to god someone could have told me sooner 

I have a 3 3 3 rule !

Eating disorder plan sheet

I have to eat 6 times a day this includes 3 meals that must contain a carbohydrate  and a protien, 3 snacks, and I have to eat with in a 3 hour period, so I can't go any longer than 3 hours with out eating 

These rules have taken some of the craziness away from my eating and added a lot of structure and removed a lot of the guilt around food and eating, yesterday is an example of a bad day for me I kept nothing in my stomach yesterday and I had a lot of food ( that's another blog post ) but yesterday is gone I need to start my day with my run and have a balanced structured day and get back on track 

I do have really bad bad days, the bad days are a nightmare and the good days can be amazing I've had a lot of the happiest days of my life over the past 3 weeks and I'm loving life my family and my kids , they are my world and I need to keep strong for them the love I have for them is indescribable my heart could burst with happiness I love them that much .

If any of you are having a tough time take comfort in the fact that you are an individual and you are amazing and I really believe a lot of our struggles in life stem from not knowing who we are and wanting validation on who we are, but you know what screw it we are who we are  and go out and ! live your best life ! and be happy :)

have an amazing weekend 

Leanne x